Y it happens that the time changes in such a way that you can't do anythng except watching how things are being unfold.
Y it happens that we have to leave behind things and move on with those memories....which ofcouse brings tears to our eyes...!
It is stange but true, whether you want or not, life will move on..but I realised that holding back ourselves is not an easy way to escape...or say the thing I did today, was not what I expected from my own self till date.
A friend called me and asked for something, which I could have never denied. But just coz I was not in mood or say was pre-occupied with so many thoughts that I didn't helped him at all. I know he understands what I am going through and his words, 'I Trust You' were enough to make me feel better but I know I am at fault and just can't ignore it.
Am feeling guilty today coz this was my sweet friend who stood besides me. I saw him standing next to me even if i called him at 2 at night....!It is not that I was trying to return what he did for me, but realised that it was his trust in me that he asked me something, which is important for him.
I am sorry but I just don't know what to do and I know reading this post won't make him feel good. But it is just something that pinched me hard, which I am not able to keep in my heart...!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Dead End...!
I cannot even imagine that a single message can matter a lot to me and that too when this message was for someone else...No it was not for someone else but a very close and dear friend of mine. A reality which he was trying to accept.
It was a nice evening meeting him after such a long time but I never expected that I can be so blank after this beautiful meeting. Two creatures obsessed with chocolates can have nothing except chocolates n our evening started with chocolates only. I never felt that I met him after such a long time coz our phone talks n our chats were enough to make me realise that this friend is an important part of my life. Everything seemed to be nice and perfect. Smile on his face after reading the small little cards I got for him was worth it. But suddenly he showed me something, which was really personal to him....a MESSAGE...!
I am sure it was important for him and while reading that message I was actually quiet...I was almost in tears and my heart was crying. Don't know the reason but might be it was the sensitivity of that matter or my imagination of seeing him in that pain...or may be just the realisation that ending a relationship with formal words is really important then just walking away from someone's life....I don't know, I felt he was lucky enough to know why all this happened and a formal farewell to those lovely days...may be coz I still search for that single answer that where I went wrong that I didn't even deserved a reason for whatever happened. I didn't received a final verdict that he never wants to speak to me again.Yes, it pained and it still pains at times. How can a friend with whom I shared the bestest of times can walk away just like that. Time moves on and we forget various things but some memories and some questions will never fade...they stay very much alive within me ....deep in my soul.....!
May be its just we guys who are stupid that we can't just move on in life... and move away leaving whatever happened ...behind...
At times i wonder...where am I going...and these are few lines, which I recalled....
HUM KIS GALI JA RAHE HAIN...
APNA KOI THIKANA NAHI....
ARMANO KI ANJUMAN MEIN....
BESUDH HAI APNI LAGAN MEIN
APNA KOI FASANA NAHI
Don't know but we are so much lost in our world that we do not even care...that somebody else can also have a HEART....n we are not worth hurting them...
But in all this....I am thankful to my dear friend...who shared that message and his feelings coz keeping feelings within ourselves can be suffocating, which leads to a deadness....killing our emotions and trust...!
It was a nice evening meeting him after such a long time but I never expected that I can be so blank after this beautiful meeting. Two creatures obsessed with chocolates can have nothing except chocolates n our evening started with chocolates only. I never felt that I met him after such a long time coz our phone talks n our chats were enough to make me realise that this friend is an important part of my life. Everything seemed to be nice and perfect. Smile on his face after reading the small little cards I got for him was worth it. But suddenly he showed me something, which was really personal to him....a MESSAGE...!
I am sure it was important for him and while reading that message I was actually quiet...I was almost in tears and my heart was crying. Don't know the reason but might be it was the sensitivity of that matter or my imagination of seeing him in that pain...or may be just the realisation that ending a relationship with formal words is really important then just walking away from someone's life....I don't know, I felt he was lucky enough to know why all this happened and a formal farewell to those lovely days...may be coz I still search for that single answer that where I went wrong that I didn't even deserved a reason for whatever happened. I didn't received a final verdict that he never wants to speak to me again.Yes, it pained and it still pains at times. How can a friend with whom I shared the bestest of times can walk away just like that. Time moves on and we forget various things but some memories and some questions will never fade...they stay very much alive within me ....deep in my soul.....!
May be its just we guys who are stupid that we can't just move on in life... and move away leaving whatever happened ...behind...
At times i wonder...where am I going...and these are few lines, which I recalled....
HUM KIS GALI JA RAHE HAIN...
APNA KOI THIKANA NAHI....
ARMANO KI ANJUMAN MEIN....
BESUDH HAI APNI LAGAN MEIN
APNA KOI FASANA NAHI
Don't know but we are so much lost in our world that we do not even care...that somebody else can also have a HEART....n we are not worth hurting them...
But in all this....I am thankful to my dear friend...who shared that message and his feelings coz keeping feelings within ourselves can be suffocating, which leads to a deadness....killing our emotions and trust...!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Calls, calls n childhood recalled…!
At times just a simple and stupid conversation can be worth remembering...And one such conversation happened with me just a few days ago...
After the long day at office, I returned home dead tired. I called a dear friend of mine (though we had a long conversation during the day also, but still...). I called him with some thoughts in my mind...or say was just wondering what stupid things shall I say to make sure that he smiles...It was a tough job for me but God is great and he always directs us to our passage...Life take its own turns and twists and things unfold in beautiful ways...!
He was busy chatting with his friend...n just to make him smile...I passed weird comments...Nothing less but was calling him with weird names. One of them was ‘Chadap Ganju’ and the reaction came back after a gap of few seconds. But his response was my reward....because to this he laughed his heart out and told me that I was behaving like a ‘Hyper-Active Baccha’....for a moment I was wondering what that means and then came the explanation….those kids who eats and sleep all day long, and gets hyper during night...!
Over this we laughed and fought….and God ensured this was not the end. And one can not even imagine the next agenda of our conversation …eatables…what else can you expect from two hungry souls.
He started teasing me about the ice-cream he was having and I replied him back about the 5-star I was having....Next was his pizza and my dal...and this went on and on. No contrast from anywhere but still, it was the matter of both of us...fighting over useless things...! Two adults fighting and teasing over stupid things….
We were fighting...teasing each other like kids ....might be if we guys had been in front of each others...it could have been our head and hair....but still, the way ashu n I behaved...if felt as if my childhood was regained.
After the long day at office, I returned home dead tired. I called a dear friend of mine (though we had a long conversation during the day also, but still...). I called him with some thoughts in my mind...or say was just wondering what stupid things shall I say to make sure that he smiles...It was a tough job for me but God is great and he always directs us to our passage...Life take its own turns and twists and things unfold in beautiful ways...!
He was busy chatting with his friend...n just to make him smile...I passed weird comments...Nothing less but was calling him with weird names. One of them was ‘Chadap Ganju’ and the reaction came back after a gap of few seconds. But his response was my reward....because to this he laughed his heart out and told me that I was behaving like a ‘Hyper-Active Baccha’....for a moment I was wondering what that means and then came the explanation….those kids who eats and sleep all day long, and gets hyper during night...!
Over this we laughed and fought….and God ensured this was not the end. And one can not even imagine the next agenda of our conversation …eatables…what else can you expect from two hungry souls.
He started teasing me about the ice-cream he was having and I replied him back about the 5-star I was having....Next was his pizza and my dal...and this went on and on. No contrast from anywhere but still, it was the matter of both of us...fighting over useless things...! Two adults fighting and teasing over stupid things….
We were fighting...teasing each other like kids ....might be if we guys had been in front of each others...it could have been our head and hair....but still, the way ashu n I behaved...if felt as if my childhood was regained.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Death: Freedom or Life Imprisonment
It was an innocent age and understanding the meaning of word Death was not that easy. I never understood what it meant. But as I grew up, I learned what this particular five letter word 'Death' meant.
Imagining even a day without the person you love the most, seemed impossible but I realised this reality of life when my Grandfather expired. I saw him struggling, struggling against his own death. It was the time when we took him to hospital and were hoping against hope. But one just cannot live in illusions for a long time and the time arrived
when it was our decision, our family's collective decision.
He was serious and in pain and our elders decided to set him free. Set him free from all his pain. It was a tough decision to set him free from this imprisonment...
Imprisonment of pain....endless pain....by removing his life support system, ventilator. In medical terms it meant taking away his life but for us it was setting him free from that unbearable pain. The suffering were endless and to the extent that he was not even able to speak. He was almost dead coz he was paralyzed.
This is not a story but my life's experience where I lost my grandfather. Since the day I was born, I saw him around. Imagining the fact that he will leave me one day and go was something alien to me but the day came when I saw my grandfather suffering from pain. He was not
able to speak but was able to understand what I was saying. Aware of the fact that he will not be able to answer I held his hand and asked him, 'bauji pehchana mujhe'. With his one hand, which he was able to move, he tightly held my hand and replied to my query. His eyes were wet and even I cried. It was matter of few hours and my grandfather expired. I cried and cried a lot. It was difficult to accept that he was no more. The home went empty but we used to wait. It hurts, it pains but life moves on. In starting, I used to miss him a
lot and here is a time when I recall.
Strange are the ways of life or god has made it this way. We say we love our family our friends but why does it happen that as soon as the person dies we just start thinking of criminating the body? We say we cannot live without the person who is dead but we cannot even bear the smell,
which comes from the body. Life is weird as we claim a lot but we all are useless. We all are hypocrites. We say we will die if someone leaves us in this world but very easily we manage to survive. This is the truth, which cannot be changed....It is still unbelievable but at times I see my-self and wonder who I am?
Imagining even a day without the person you love the most, seemed impossible but I realised this reality of life when my Grandfather expired. I saw him struggling, struggling against his own death. It was the time when we took him to hospital and were hoping against hope. But one just cannot live in illusions for a long time and the time arrived
when it was our decision, our family's collective decision.
He was serious and in pain and our elders decided to set him free. Set him free from all his pain. It was a tough decision to set him free from this imprisonment...
Imprisonment of pain....endless pain....by removing his life support system, ventilator. In medical terms it meant taking away his life but for us it was setting him free from that unbearable pain. The suffering were endless and to the extent that he was not even able to speak. He was almost dead coz he was paralyzed.
This is not a story but my life's experience where I lost my grandfather. Since the day I was born, I saw him around. Imagining the fact that he will leave me one day and go was something alien to me but the day came when I saw my grandfather suffering from pain. He was not
able to speak but was able to understand what I was saying. Aware of the fact that he will not be able to answer I held his hand and asked him, 'bauji pehchana mujhe'. With his one hand, which he was able to move, he tightly held my hand and replied to my query. His eyes were wet and even I cried. It was matter of few hours and my grandfather expired. I cried and cried a lot. It was difficult to accept that he was no more. The home went empty but we used to wait. It hurts, it pains but life moves on. In starting, I used to miss him a
lot and here is a time when I recall.
Strange are the ways of life or god has made it this way. We say we love our family our friends but why does it happen that as soon as the person dies we just start thinking of criminating the body? We say we cannot live without the person who is dead but we cannot even bear the smell,
which comes from the body. Life is weird as we claim a lot but we all are useless. We all are hypocrites. We say we will die if someone leaves us in this world but very easily we manage to survive. This is the truth, which cannot be changed....It is still unbelievable but at times I see my-self and wonder who I am?
Career Strains
Being a part of a scholarly family always made me felt proud. It feels nice when my neighbours used to call me, used to recognise me as a member of ‘Singal’ family. People used to say - ‘Arrey! Yeh to Singal sahib ki beti hain’. And mind you ‘Singal Sahib’ was used for my Grandfather.
May be because he ensured that all his kids, be it son or daughter, all should be educated and independent in life. This was my Grandparents vision but it gradually became an eminent part of my father and uncles life. I always saw my mother and aunts maintaining a healthy routine between their work place and family. Not only this but I think the day when I started understanding and remembering things around me, I learned that this is how life has to be and I am lucky to have a family with this thinking.
I am not the youngest in my family but with all my elders opting for Medical and Non-Medical stream, the pressure of selecting such a field invaded my life. The increasing number of Doctors, Engineers and Teachers resulted in an immense stress and with every passing year, I was able to see my family’s expectations climbing ladders. My father must have expected that I might opt for Medical but my decision was different. I opted for Commerce may be because I wanted to do something different, something special.
…since the time I can recollect, my desire was to become a Journalist. This term, this field fascinated me as I had an impression of this field being a path-breaking one. As I always dreamt of doing something different, what better could have been except Journalism?
But life is not always what we think. My decision was opposed! Some distant relatives had problems and lucky they, they were able to convince my dad. I was angry and bugged by the ways things were unfolding but for me this was not the end of my world. It took some time but this time I made sure that my Dad stood there to support. He must be scared about my decisions but this time he was with me and I was on my way.
Family support, criticism from relatives and my desire to prove myself, were my driving force, which always kept me on my toes.
May be because he ensured that all his kids, be it son or daughter, all should be educated and independent in life. This was my Grandparents vision but it gradually became an eminent part of my father and uncles life. I always saw my mother and aunts maintaining a healthy routine between their work place and family. Not only this but I think the day when I started understanding and remembering things around me, I learned that this is how life has to be and I am lucky to have a family with this thinking.
I am not the youngest in my family but with all my elders opting for Medical and Non-Medical stream, the pressure of selecting such a field invaded my life. The increasing number of Doctors, Engineers and Teachers resulted in an immense stress and with every passing year, I was able to see my family’s expectations climbing ladders. My father must have expected that I might opt for Medical but my decision was different. I opted for Commerce may be because I wanted to do something different, something special.
…since the time I can recollect, my desire was to become a Journalist. This term, this field fascinated me as I had an impression of this field being a path-breaking one. As I always dreamt of doing something different, what better could have been except Journalism?
But life is not always what we think. My decision was opposed! Some distant relatives had problems and lucky they, they were able to convince my dad. I was angry and bugged by the ways things were unfolding but for me this was not the end of my world. It took some time but this time I made sure that my Dad stood there to support. He must be scared about my decisions but this time he was with me and I was on my way.
Family support, criticism from relatives and my desire to prove myself, were my driving force, which always kept me on my toes.
Lets Fly
No limit and endless sky,
Where we just want to fly.
Deep rooted in to daily grind,
Lost sleep and heavy mind.
Bumpy roads keeps us high,
Never letting our optimism die…
A journey of two journo's...a journey of two lives...different yet somewhat alike!
So lets start the adventurous ride, with Mayank’s and Nidhi’s life…
Where we just want to fly.
Deep rooted in to daily grind,
Lost sleep and heavy mind.
Bumpy roads keeps us high,
Never letting our optimism die…
A journey of two journo's...a journey of two lives...different yet somewhat alike!
So lets start the adventurous ride, with Mayank’s and Nidhi’s life…
Mayank & Nidhi
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